The Right to Wallow: Why Feeling It Fully Is How You Actually Heal
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How long would you lie in bed, hold your heart, and let yourself grieve?
Would you say to yourself, "time to get up — don't wallow in it"? Or would you let yourself feel it fully, for days, months, years?
I don't subscribe to the "don't wallow in it" philosophy.
Where It Started
My narcissistic mother used to say that to me all my life. I learned to repress my emotions and tolerate abuse. It was the perfect indoctrination to abandon myself and accept suffering.
This prepped me perfectly for a marriage with a psychopath. He upped the game of psychological warfare — since I'd long learned to ignore all my emotions, the result was that I got sick. Very, very sick.
Over time, my body couldn't handle everything it was holding on to.
I'd stuffed down so much pain. I got obese. I got diseased. I got disordered.
I tried as hard as I could not to wallow in anything that was happening. I used all kinds of substances, food, behaviours, and distractions to prevent myself from feeling.
I'd get over it. I'd move on. I'd let it go.
But I Wasn't Supposed To.
I bypassed the lesson.
I ignored my intuition, my body, and my emotions — all of which were screaming at me. I numbed to the point of losing myself.
Every time I tried to escape, he sucked me back in. What he did was evil. I endured 15 years of a level of mind-fuckery and deception most people couldn't comprehend.
The Decision to Feel It All
Since escaping — which almost killed me — I have spent the last 2.5 years wallowing in it. Feeling fully the grief, the fear, the anxiety, the pain, the shock, the horror, the suffering.
And as I've wallowed in it, I've learned to love myself in a way no one ever has.
I reparent myself. I nurture myself. I hold myself. I soothe myself. I rock myself. I forgive myself. I reprogram myself. I heal myself.
One does not go from where I was to where I am by bypassing anything. I feel everything fully. Like an act of rebellion against everyone and everything that told me not to — I lay in my pain, hold my heart, and talk to God.
I have healed 95% of my conditions. I am free of all addictions. I saved myself.
The Work Is Not Done
I'm not levitating yet. I still have days where grief sits heavy in my heart and all I can do is take long, slow, deep breaths into my heart space.
Hours on end. Days on end. Months on end. Years more if necessary.
When I get breaks, I work hard. I build my business. I focus on other things. But when spirit says — "today, you wallow in it" — that's exactly what I do.
Over time it gets less. Days have turned to hours, or sometimes even minutes, before the wave flows through. Each oscillation bringing with it new levels of peace, healing, and elevated frequency.
Why I Wallow
I wallow to release. I wallow to honour what was done to me. I wallow to show up for myself the way a parent should have.
I hold myself and listen to each ache. God listens and collects my tears. The angels stand guard.
I can't take this suffering with me where I am going. So I feel it now — so I can truly let go. Not that forced, repressed, controlled type of letting go. But a real transmutation of the pain.
I will grieve for as long as it takes.
I am worth it.
I will fight like a warrior to protect my right to feel.
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